Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂

There is no “we” in pizza

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex

“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”

– Dogs

when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores

Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.

If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.

Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.

I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

Uh oh…

We need it on priority

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

About to form my very first opinion

Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.