Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!

If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”

Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”

then why did i get this email

I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.

A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen

[pirate ship capturing another ship]

Pirate: Prepare to be bored!

Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?

*pirate opens stamp collection*

me: I think some people are birds in disguise

friend: lol can I tweet that

me: *narrows eyes* can you what

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

CRYING

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes