Me: oh hi! Did you come over because I’m sad? How do you always know when I need you?

Cat: get me my damn jingle mouse.

Me: I love you too

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Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.


I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.


Them: You’re too focused on revenge

Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that


(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)

9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?

Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm

9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)

Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?


The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.


My cat waited until I was on the phone with a very important customer to come into the room and start SHRIEKING at a bug, because he won’t stop until I assure him he’s the bravest hunter in all the land and then bring the bug outside…


Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it


i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it


Crime rates are down 100% after President Obama made it illegal to do crimes. “I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before,” he said.


Her: So how did you get this scar?

*flashback to a drunken fight with an Emu

Me *proudly: I got in a drunken fight with an Emu