@iamspacegirl

Me: oh hi! Did you come over because I’m sad? How do you always know when I need you?

Cat: get me my damn jingle mouse.

Me: I love you too

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@jjax44

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

@Dawn_M_

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

@Ten_Toes_7

Them: You’re too focused on revenge

Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that

@Kids_kubed

(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)

9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?

Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm

9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)

Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?

@PaulGibson1963

The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.

@NoDMGen

My cat waited until I was on the phone with a very important customer to come into the room and start SHRIEKING at a bug, because he won’t stop until I assure him he’s the bravest hunter in all the land and then bring the bug outside…

@YesNoSuper

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

@ch000ch

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

@boring_as_heck

Crime rates are down 100% after President Obama made it illegal to do crimes. “I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before,” he said.

@drinksmcgee

Her: So how did you get this scar?

*flashback to a drunken fight with an Emu

Me *proudly: I got in a drunken fight with an Emu