Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Cleans glasses*

“Omg I have a cat?”

Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…

Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.

@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?

If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*

Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning

NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

me: hey how much for the dinosaur

guide: that’s a giraffe

me: how much

guide: the animals aren’t for sale

me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much

guide: those are trees

me: [sighs] how much

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.

People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away

The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK

Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.

Then I remembered pineapple .

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.