Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

omg leave her alone

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”

My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”

– me whenever my wife sings while driving.

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!

The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)

Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.

9: You were alive back then?

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time

THERAPIST: In sync?

TOGETHER: *screams*

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

man: want a carrot?

horse: ok.

man: we’re friends now right.

horse: i guess.

man: great hey can you help me move.

Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this