Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.![]()
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The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
My Guy
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The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
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I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries