Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”

– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”

Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.

A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.

Date: Do you go camping?

Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back

I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…

A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.

Me, in DM rooms…

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.