me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
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Always the barmaid, never the bar.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
#DesignFail
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.