me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
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“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.