me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
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We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
You don’t even know
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Tell the colonel to bring it
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom