me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
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Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Saturday
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”