Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

[music store]

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: sir, that’s a mandolin

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.

Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.

The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers

(Boarding flight to Iowa)

9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?

12 yo: corn on the cob

9 yo: what else?

12 yo: corn off the cob

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.

How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday

Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good

Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”

Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.