Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
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All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
#catsoftwitter
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there
I think I’ll stand
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
