Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
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Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Yes, this is exactly right
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night