Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.

My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?

Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

What’s your superpower?

Spiderman: ummm, parkour.

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.

*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love

HADDAWAY: shit

“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again

doctor: jogging will extend your life

me: thanks for the warning

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!

Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.