Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”

The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.

he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed

Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club

[loses house key, starts a new life]

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago

Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?

Me: Who?

17: Scooper.

Me: Again, who?

17: Landlord’s son.

Me: COOPER?!

17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”