Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]

“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.

If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.

i think both sides are to blame here

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.

A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”