Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ketchup isn’t food.

-words to ruin a toddlers day

[married convo]

Her: Hey, babe…guess what?

Him: What?

Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.

Him: You need me to do laundry?

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats

Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries

Me: Even if I-

Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat

Me: *purrs*

Her: Still no

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

me: hello 911

operator: actually you’ve reached 116

me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist

when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.

Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever

Me: Send prudes.

Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?

Me: What? Ew. No.

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.