Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

M: Wanna try tantrum sex?

W: You mean “tantric”?

M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.

HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner

HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.

To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.

Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh

13-year-old: I need cool clothes.

Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.

13: That’s the problem

The cycle continues

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!

-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee

Me. I’m the person.

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?

Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit

Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny

Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.