me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
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When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
What do you call a zombie who stir fries?
Dead man wokking
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.