Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.

You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.

*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting

“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”

“HR? You don’t have a job.”

“Tell them that.”

Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

Kids, do not try this at home!

[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”

Liam Neeson returns in…

TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED

(Summer 2015)

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

There’s safety in numbers.

CDC: Uh, no.