Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
You Might Also Like
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?