@Home_Halfway

ME: Oh my god, it’s so nice to have company after so long. Please come in, we’re best friends now

BURGLAR: Um

ME: Oh my god, it’s so nice to have company after so long. Please come in, we’re best friends now

BURGLAR: Um

- @Home_Halfway

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@timdonakowski

My wife and I got into an argument.

And now I’m gonna do these dishes so hard.

@clindsaysway

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

@BryMastas

When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.

@DiamondLou69

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

@gianni_bcn

If you think you are having a bad day just remenber the guy on the Titanic who falls off the ship and hits the propellor on the way down.

@3sunzzz

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

@kentgrossarth

Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?

@GrantTanaka

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE

@JannaKilimnik

People coming over.
Me: *tidies up*
Husband: *fires up the bbq*
Toddler: *removes all clothing*