[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
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*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
are there any atheist mantises?
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…