@Home_Halfway

ME: Oh my god, it’s so nice to have company after so long. Please come in, we’re best friends now

BURGLAR: Um

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@spicy_peen

What medications do I take?

I’m not sure. The names on my neighbor’s prescription bottles are ridiculously long

@jordanklepper

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

@DzNutz83

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

@copymama

Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

@Storminika

I’m lazy, though. I get down to my last outfit before washin anything. You’ll see me at a bar with a wedding dress on, just chilling.

@caliluvgirl77

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

@harriweinreb

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead

@samalmightysam

Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.

@ericarhodes

“What’s it like being a female comic?” “Well, you get asked what it’s like being a female comic a lot.”