Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.

My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.

Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.

Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

*tries CBD oil for the first time*

“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”

“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”

“So you’re saying there’s a chance”

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”

“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine

BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat

Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp