Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee

Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”

Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

B: You mean a choir?

A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.

Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?

Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.

Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX

Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer’s second head: WE did

I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦

“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote

Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.

Anyway he’s dead now.

I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.

People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……

Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.

All Amazon reviews are like

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy

⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY

*first time seeing a musical

“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.