Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:

“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

Weirdly Wednesday.

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”

Your move, government.

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.

Google: This actor is three years younger than you.

Me: …Oh. 💀

Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you

Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance

Ugh but profoundly

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

People: My cell phone isn’t working today

Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.

People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?

Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.