Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…

him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?

It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.

*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.

Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!

No one ever hated their job on a Friday!

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.

Saw your ex at the shops

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag