Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please bear with my nonsense…

…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.

We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.

I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.

“Rogue One” idea:

The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.

Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.

“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”

Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’

Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!

On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.

@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!

My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.

You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?

me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are

cellmate: i wish

Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?

*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

you’re so productive for your wage

Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.

B

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.