ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

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“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids


To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.


[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect


[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace


2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.


I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber


I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.


Why do people put ice cream in a bowl when it already comes in one?