ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
You Might Also Like
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Easy enough.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn