Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.

Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!

God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.

Angel: Never mind, go ahead.

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

Server: Have you dined before?

Me: Have I d- like in general?

Server:

Me: Yeah. Yes.

Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?

No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.

Every. Single. Time.

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition

Just this preview of the story is enough

If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

linkedin the good parts

During a meditation session

Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

ME: Im a secret agent

THEM: With like the FBI

ME: Idk its a secret

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?

Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.