Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

[police questioning a friend about my murder]

Police: Did he have any enemies

Friend: Boy did he ever

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!

If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.

I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.

ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol

MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!

[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”

HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

HOW TO BE A LAWYER:

Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?

me:

taco:

me:

taco:

me: he’s shy.

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.

My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho

My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house

If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter

me to my student: go get your mom

my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!