Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
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Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit