Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
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‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
sometimes i miss this memes
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.