Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
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I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.