Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
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Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.