Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough

Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.

Witches love that.

edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO

That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork

i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life

My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

*Cracks knuckles*

“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”

[titanic, 1912]

Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich

First mate: ICEBERG

Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article

Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

*Watching TV*

Hmmm, I should read more

*Turns on subtitles*

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine

Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.

Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.

George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*

George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?