Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.

[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]

Doctor: What the hell?

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?

The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled

A friend had a new baby girl.

Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”

My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”

Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”

-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

Cop: Can I see some ID?

Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]

Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

[Italian restaurant]

LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”

TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”

[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife

How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?

“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

It’s actually Dr. whatever

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.

one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…