Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
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Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
💀😭
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.