Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

me and my fake scenarios

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.

Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult

“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.

Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.

The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail

A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW

Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.