ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
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I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
describing stardew valley
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
This meeting could have been a pajama party.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?