ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
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Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
A great tip. #CakeRex
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Potatoes were such a good idea
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”