Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.

Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment

When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve

Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex

The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food

*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.

Wife: It’s not until next week…

[one week later]

Sorry honey, I didn’t…

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.

She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.

🤦🏻‍♀️

So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭

I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.

Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?

Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus

Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.