Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

[6 months after the pandemic ends]

Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.

Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!

Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?

If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).

homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.

It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.

You’re still using fowl language.

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.

From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?

Me: *nods*

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters

Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans

I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

**shaking a magic 8-ball**

Me: Will my vision ever get better?

Coconut:

Me: Those shoes are fresh!

12: Mom. No.

Me: Don’t be whack.

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁