Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.

“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”

~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.

I have some bad news about people who work in offices

“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”

~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.

wife: tell me her name

*slap*

wife: TELL ME HER NAME

*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.

Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.

Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me

Me *whispers*: never again

[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no

Proctology is located in A55

My mother’s maiden name is Password.

Why is no one talking about this?!

anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea