Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people come into your life for a reason.

Like for target practice.

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.

Me: What was your objective?

12: To be done with my school project.

Nailed it.

“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

put ‘er there pardner!

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.

Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

Me in tagged photos

Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo

Me: lol *like*

Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news

Me: n-

Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

In order to catch herpes…

You need to think like a herpe.

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.