Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂

*later to thugs* They know too much.

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

Astronaut: I never loved you

Me: how could you say that?

Astronaut: it’s the truth

Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”

cop: you have one phone call

me: [dials 911] get me outta here

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea

Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.

People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

*watching Only Murders In The Building*

Me: “Where are all the crows?”

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”

Thought “alright musical theatre queen”

Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x

Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion

You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…