Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*

Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.

My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics

Me: what’s this fee?

Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.

Me: ok

Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that

Me: do you know how money works?

Her: baby I’m so wet

Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now

My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.

Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.

DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s