Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.

Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

God: you have terrible eyesight.

Bat: oh no.

God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.

Bat: sweet!

God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.

Bat:

God:

Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.

An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.

just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread

make sure its switched to “on”

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

“you’re odd”

“you are also odd”

“yes”

“so we’re even”

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

[coworkers chatting about me, to me]

cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰

The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.