Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

That’s fair

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.

[trying to get a massage]

How much for a happy ending?

“Sir, this is a library!”

*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything

You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.

Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.

“No, it’s not me” 😂💀

her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu

I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now

It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.