Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
You Might Also Like
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
stand with me against insufficient seating
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.