Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

Pass gas, not judgment.

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs

“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it