Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.

Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.

They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

Hit me in the face with a bird

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

[game night]
date: do you have siblings?

me: *flips table*

date: so you’re the youngest

Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it

“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.

⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢

not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yes

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun

I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.

In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it