Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.

Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich

ME: Damn I bet it’s so good

DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27

genie: you can’t wish for more wishes

me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world

genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan

me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes

alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.

NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE

I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”