NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
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If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.