Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.

It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

“sticks and stones may break my bones”

“got it, thank you!”

“wait there’s more”

“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial

words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic

Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”

* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing

I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

Me: I’m not petty.

Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.

4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?

Me, a Dad: Yeah???

4: …

4: MOMMY!!!

I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday

When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.