Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
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Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I went from rags to one rag.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
