Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
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Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Pringles
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.