Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.

*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

4yo: Bam!

Me: Excuse me?!

7yo: He didn’t say dammit!

2yo: Dammit?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.

My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

Welcome to Twitter.

Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.

Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room

Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night

WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.

Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!

Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*

You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.

Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike