Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.

Google: This actor is three years younger than you.

Me: …Oh. 💀

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.

Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either

The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.

ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*

CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?

ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month

Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

Gods work.

They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.