Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
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Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
I didn’t realize that was an option
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Traveler’s camo
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke