Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

What smells better than it tastes?

A nose.

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

Date: I’m looking for security

Me: I double knot my shoelaces

Date: but also excitement

Me: together

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir

me: I’m not a giraffe

waiter: I know I’m just telling you

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

Not muting your mic is the new reply all

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.

It really gets her snickers in a twix.

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

Social butterfly? Nah.

I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.

Walgreens guy: You still need to leave

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”

Me:“But it’s the right kid?”

Wife: “Yes.”

Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”

houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…

The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed