Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆

Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?

Me: When she comes

Him: I know but when

Me: When she comes dude

Him: That’s not a time

Me: I’m going off of the information I have

Him: Do you know the horses she has?

Me: Yes six white horses

Him: See how do you know that

You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.

If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.

Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet

Never ghost your hitman.

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

[at a mattress store]

sales assistant: what size are you looking for?

me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do

Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team

Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.

Best spoiler warning ever

Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol

The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.