Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[guy next to me at urinal]

“Is that a 5 or 6?”

…about 5-1/2 I guess.

“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”

*zips up* No.

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

Oh deer

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.

I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.

Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

[itsy bitsy spider diary]

Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.

Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*

I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.

Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.