Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

me watching my own Instagram story

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?

Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.

sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news

Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

hey, alexa

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.