Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

😭😭😭😭

Hilarious if literal: arms race

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”

Me: “Say no more”

[Monday]

Boss: “Where’s my report?”

Me: “Shhh”

You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier

Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky

Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more

Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die

Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*

“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”

10/10 no notes

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷‍♂️😆🤷‍♂️😆

My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips