Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.

My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.

Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.

I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.

Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public

I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”

DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are

ME: Ok

DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut

ME *lip starts trembling*

DENTIST: I see

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers

ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down

[speed dating session]

Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.

Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*

Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

2-year-old: Dad?

Me: What?

2: Are chickens real?

Me:

2:

Me: No one knows.

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine

If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal