Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!

Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?

Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

I laughed at this way too hard.

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.

So glad we cleared that up

My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?

4: Water!

Me: Ask me nicely

4: Actually, I’ll get it myself

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.

“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’

Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.