Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

[texting]

you mean the wolf to me

-wolf?

ha! autocorrect fail!

-lol

what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me

I’m praying for you…

So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…

That’s from me

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

I self medicate, therefore you live.

If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.

If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

Well there goes my Wednesday night.

Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.

I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health

My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

[shakes fist at other fist]

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG