Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*

11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.

Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.

11: Never mind.

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards

me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to

my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?

Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.

Me: I’m flying United today.

Him: Don’t forget your helmet.

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so

Me: I’m not paranoid.

Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?

If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”

The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free

This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.

Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.