Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion

If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs

One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.

And that’s what happened your honour.

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”

who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?

If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.

You’re the Pepsi of people.

Some people like you, but they’re wrong.

wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.