Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.

🤯🤯🤯

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.

I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.

12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!

Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.

Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.

Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude