Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…

Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

listen closely

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

Me: WHOOMP! there it is.

Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks

🖕🏻👽

her: i only date woke guys

me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point