Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”

Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”

Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”

#KrakenDay #RubbishDay

CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”

Me: “When can I start?”

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH

Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.

This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.