Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

Server: Would you like another glass of wine?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time

Server: For the wine?

Me: No, for silly questions

Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.

Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!

Doctor: is your finger broken?

No, I don’t think so….

Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL

Doctor:

Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.

Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?

Me: on the wall!

Hitman: that’s a spider

Me: kill it!

Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?

therapist: overthinking

me: you mean predicting the future

If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.