Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!

Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.

Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.

When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.

My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password

Sticker placement is key.

who called them poets and not rhyme machines?

And now…a ‘joke’.

Why was the demon in hospital?

It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*

must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.

They just take your money and run.

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

[Frat party]

Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-

CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.

a New Yorker reject, for you

“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly