me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
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People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Boy never ceases to amaze me
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
January 1st: anything is possible
January 2nd: but not today
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube