me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
You Might Also Like
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Morning.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice