Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

same but as an audience member

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.

If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think

crochet youtube is brutal

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…