Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”

Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.

10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals

Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!

oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.

Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.

Bank manager: Get out.

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means

Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.

Angel: One step ahead of you!

God: What did you do?!

Elephant: Quack