Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?

Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.

Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.

The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.

I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.

My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.

Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.

Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

it was a valiant fight

I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.

Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!

Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂

Me: I really want to go travelling

My bank balance: like…around the house?

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.

-I win